Guns

They are sitting on the floor outside my new room. It has a big door. And it is see-through. Mommy has been crying a lot. Her face is always wet. She always has a ring of tissue around her. I want to hug her now, but she is too far away. They say that she’s not allowed in my room.

I am sorry Mommy.

Daddy is kneeling next to her. He is quiet. Daddy never cries. He is very strong. Mommy is sad and cries. But Daddy understands Mommy even though he doesn’t cry. They are both sad. I wish I could make them happy. I wish I could tell them sorry. Sorry makes things better.

I am sorry Mommy.

I cannot talk to Mommy. They say I can’t. She cannot hear me. She is too sad. So I just sit here and say sorry. If I say it enough maybe the feeling will float to them. And then they will be happy. And then Mommy will stop crying.

I am sorry Mommy.

Daddy cannot hear me too. He is too sad like Mommy. I am sorry Daddy. Am I a bad person? Daddy cannot see me. He can only stare at the stone wall. Or only stare at Mommy crying. Daddy cannot talk to me. I am sorry Daddy. Daddy doesn’t cry like Mommy. He is very strong.

I am sorry Mommy.

Daddy and Mommy hug more often than before. They hug tighter than before. And Mommy cries. Daddy’s shirt gets all wet. But Mommy is mad too. Mommy is mad at Daddy. She sometimes yells at Daddy when they are hugging. And hits Daddy in the chest. But Daddy is strong so it doesn’t hurt. Daddy understands Mommy. They are both sad. But Mommy is mad at Daddy. It was Daddy’s gun.

I am sorry Mommy.

Daddy is mad too. Daddy’s mad at Daddy. When Daddy’s not quiet, Daddy talks to Daddy. “I should have taught him right. Should have told him guns are bad. Should have hid it in a better place. ” Mommy just nods with her face in Daddy’s shirt. Mommy just cries more.

I am sorry Mommy.

Daddy said he bought the gun for protection. It is to protect us from bad people, like how police people do. But bad people use guns too. Am I a bad person Daddy? Daddy let me touch it and it was nice. I want a gun too. I want to be like Daddy. I want a gun. But Mommy doesn’t like guns.

I am sorry Mommy.

Aunty Maggy came yesterday. I don’t like Aunty Maggy. She always yells at Mommy. Mommy cries when Daddy’s not there. Daddy doesn’t know Mommy cries. Only I hear Mommy cry. Aunty Maggy is mean. She tells Mommy bad stuff. She should say she is sorry. But Aunty Maggy is a bad person. A bad person that makes Mommy sad. I don’t like Aunty Maggy. I hug Mommy and say I am sorry. Mommy says she’s okay. But she is sad. She says to be a good boy and don’t tell Daddy. I am a good boy. I don’t tell Daddy. But I don’t like Aunty Maggy.

I am sorry Mommy.

Aunty Maggy came yesterday. She came into my old room. I don’t like Aunty Maggy. So I make a mean face at her. Her eyes get really big. Aunty Maggy starts screaming for Daddy. I am a good boy. The gun is for protection. If I have a gun, Mommy will be protected from bad people. From Aunty Maggy. Mommy won’t be sad anymore. Daddy doesn’t know Mommy is sad. He cannot protect Mommy. The gun is heavy and cold and nice. I am a good boy. Aunty Maggy keeps screaming. And then…BANG…Daddy and Mommy come running.

I am sorry Mommy.

I want to hug you now Mommy. And say sorry. But they said that I have to go see God soon. Please don’t cry Mommy. Thank you for visiting me Mommy. I like the flowers. I want you to be happy Mommy. And Daddy too. Please be happy. Mommy don’t cry.

I am sorry Mommy.

Aunty Maggy came yesterday. And they found the body.

I am sorry Mommy.

Am I a bad person Mommy? I don’t want to be in here Mommy. I want to come home. It is cold and dark and small here. I don’t want to see God. I want you to stop crying. Mommy please be happy. Don’t cry anymore Mommy. They put me here because I had Daddy’s gun. I am sorry Mommy. I won’t take Daddy’s gun again. Please Mommy, can I come home?

I am sorry Mommy.

They won’t let me out of this room. They say I cannot come home Mommy. They say I cannot hug you.

I am sorry Mommy.

I don’t want to see God. I just want to hug Mommy. Hug Daddy. Please don’t take me away.

I am sorry Mommy.

They say it’s time to say goodbye. God is waiting for me. I cannot hug you Mommy. I cannot say I am sorry. I just can love you Mommy. And Daddy too.

I am sorry Mommy.

Goodbye Mommy.

I am sorry Mommy.

Goodbye Daddy.

I am sorry Mommy.

I love you.

I am sorry Mommy.

There is a gate you have to pass before going to meet God. They tell me to say why I am here. Who I am. And how old I am. A man with a paper tells me what to say. “I am here for firing a gun. I am the son of Jake and Michelle Kelly. I am two years old.”

I am sorry Mommy. I love you.