It's not me, It's you

“So you coming to the party with me on Friday?”

“I don’t know what kind of party is it?”

“Its wine and cheese night, I want you to come as my date, will you?”

Once a year the Sigma Phi Epsilon fraternity set up their house with candles and smooth soft sounding music; the brothers were to bring a date for a quiet romantic night of wooing. Their usual wooing was done with loud music and cheap beer.

“I don’t know.” She stared down at her fingers as she picked rapidly at the cuticles around her nails. She was prone to this habit especially when she was in the midst of avoiding something.

“You told me you would go with me.”

“When did I say that?”

“I asked you if you would be my date two months ago when the guys and I set the day.”

“Oh.” She was hoping he had forgotten.

At the beginning of the relationship the tables had been turned, he claimed his heart was shredded and un-repairable by a previous lover. Though he thought he was so broken, it only took her two weeks of her flirtatious tactics to win him over; quickly his so called heart re-built itself into a sort of mushy love sick form, beating only for her. With his increased infatuation two months seemed like a full year to her. At the end of the third week the relationship had been at its peak, sneaking him in and out of her girl’s only dorm, constant emails and telephone calls, warm nights on the couch cuddling close while watching scary movies, eagerly waiting for him outside his work. Her time had been spent thinking of ways to make him happy. Entering into the fifth week he began to get clingy. Mentioning alien words to her such as love and future. Making him happy was no longer a task; it was done by her mere presence, and title. From that point on she was only thinking of ways to put an end to the relationship in a way she would feel least guilty for the fact that she started it all.

“And what did I say when you asked me?”

“You said you wanted to go as my date.”

“I said maybe I would go, but I wasn’t sure.”

“Well when are you going to know? Its three days away, if you don’t want to go with me just tell me.” His voice was beginning to sound whiney like a child’s.

“It’s not that I don’t want to go with you…”

He smiled showing all of his perfect white teeth slowly moving his head in closer to her face. She knew that smile it was his pressuring smile that says, “Ha ha I knew you loved me all along…” She could feel her brain tensing and twisting when she lied, the smiles had to go.

“Okay, it is that I don’t want to go with you.”

Immediately his smile flipped into a frown, he looked as if someone had ripped his favorite Dead Kennedy’s T-shirt into rags. Feelings of regret flooded in her chest for the pain she caused him with her bluntness. He meant no harm only wanting to love her. She could not understand his need to rush things, last week he mentioned moving in together. Living on her own was important; she felt she needed her space and independence. When he mentioned it, she had quickly changed the subject, knowing she wouldn’t let it go that far, but also aware something had to be done. Part of her liked all the attention she was getting, more of her knew it couldn’t last.

“Why don’t you want to go with me?”

It sounded as if he were begging. She figured it probably would help his cause if he were to turn and walk away. Relationships were new to her, she thought she could just be friends with this guy and have sex casually, free from contract; things were not going as planned. She craved the need to chase after something she wanted, she wanted to work for love. She wanted to take the road with twists and turns in every direction, with him she found herself driving straight for miles, major disappointment.

Presently honesty was harder to come by than surf in Oklahoma. She wanted to tell him that he tore at her very nerves to no end. It was a mistake to ever get involved. He clung to her like fabric softener clings to laundry giving off small electric shocks while separating the cloth from the used dryer sheet. She couldn’t handle the responsibility of his emotions any longer. She felt as if she were a puppet master putting on a lame over-priced performance of his monotonous life.

“Things aren’t really working out.”

“Things are great! I’ve never been happier, just come with me it will be fun.”

Stuck in another moment of truth. She lost all control.

“Things may be great for your dumb ass but you have no idea how I feel. I hate when you say you love me so much, you don’t even know me. No wonder your last girl friend dug out on you, I should too, you’re driving me crazy.”

“Just come with me to the wine and cheese it will be fun.”

“It would be fun if I could go with someone else.”

“You’re joking.”

Wishing it were all a joke, she stared at him with irritated eyes.

“What do you not understand? I don’t want us to be together anymore. I do not want to hurt your feelings, but I cannot take it anymore, I do not want to be your date. I would be happy if I never had to go to the house again in my life.”

She felt like she was in her own Green Eggs and Ham book, following Sam all over town in every way trying to convince him that she did not want to eat the unfamiliar food. She did try the relationship, but enough was enough and she did not want to be with him any longer.

“Do you want to be with someone else?” He asked as if he were confidant yes would be the answer, nodding his head.

Just about anyone else would probably do at this point, but she refrained herself from saying that.

“There is no one else who I am interested in; it’s just that you are too much for me. You always talk about marriage and our future together. I’m too young to think about that stuff. I need to concentrate on staying in the present moment. I want to try and be as honest with you as I can right now okay? Some people might be okay with the whole marriage thing after only 2 months into dating someone, but I think those people either get divorced, or they actually have found that true love that people seem to be so obsessed over. I knew you were not my true love as soon as you mentioned the word love. I kept thinking of things you do that annoy me.”
Feeling like a sap saying the word so many times she shuttered within herself. She couldn’t tell by his reactions if she was being too harsh or not. He looked calm and maybe thoughtful. Maybe she had said enough.

“But you don’t have to give up on me yet, we could work it out, I could be whatever you want me to be. I will do anything for you and I love you more than anything or anyone in my life.”

“It’s when you say stupid thoughtless things like that!” she was finding it harder and harder not to scream.

“What? I’m being honest.”

“You don’t know what love is! How can you love me when you just met me? I don’t even really know me. I do know that I will change and I don’t really see you working in those plans.”

“What kind of plans do you have?”

“Well you know like travel and stuff, did you hear me though? I don’t want us to be together any longer.” She felt sad not only saying the words but truely feeling them as well. He really was a nice guy, maybe he did love her. Silence crept over them as they stood there face to face. She wanted him to walk away, find someone else who would make him just as happy. She wanted to prove to him that his love that he imagined to be incredibly deep was actually shallow and easy to come. “Don’t look so sad, you will find someone else to love.”

“I only want to love you.” Clearly he was devastated, moping like a sad little puppy being left alone in the house for the first time.

As she wrapped her arms around him and gave him one last hug goodbye he started to cry. With the finish line in sight she felt as if she had tripped and fell. His tears slowly trickled down his smooth cheeks as he silently stared in to her eyes. No way could she manage tears like those, she wanted to be done with the conversation, move on, she had somewhere to go. Breaking up with him was dragging on. She wondered how she could be so insensitive.

“It’s not you, it’s me, and I need to go.” There it was; doesnt everyone eventually say it at some point? she questioned herself.

“So what I don’t understand does this mean we just won’t talk anymore? You’re just going to ignore me? Can we still be friends?”

“We can still be friends.”

To her it sounded like another lie, she couldn’t really imagine him wanting only friendship, which would create more problems, but for his sake she would try. She turned and walked away without looking back. Straight to her computer she went to look up how much it would cost to fly to Spain.