A New Year

The generator kicked in and the shit-hole known as the dorm room sprung back to life. Rats ran out from under the kitchen table and squirrels scurried out from the shower. At least the mold was not that bad this year.

“Ahhh…” Mr. Freezer stretched his doors open as his water coolant system started back up in his chest cavity. “Here we go again, a start to another long year.”

A rice cooker that was situated across from Mr. Freezer turned on. “You know what” Mr. Ricecooker said “I’m sick and tired of the smell of having stink ass rice stuck to my upper lip for days. I mean, I can understand if they have a lot of homework to do, but goddamn!”

“Pshhh,” Mr. Freezer shrugged. “Dude, I’m a damn refrigerator.” Do you know of what I have to deal with? The smells and tastes that accumulate in my stomach that just reeks for days? Look at this, I still have Megan’s leftover tuna and cheese sandwich from last semester.”

“I’m not blind!” Mr. Ricecooker yelled. “I see what’s going on too you know.”
“No you don’t!”
“What do you mean?”

Mr. Freezer sighed to himself. “First off they only use you when they need rice so; they either put you back in the cupboard or behind Mr. Coffeemaker.” Mr. Coffeemaker does not talk that much because the year before he had a stroke as a result from a caffeine overdose. Most of the time his just sits there grinding old leftover beans into dust.

Mr. Freezer scooted a couple inches closer to Mr. Ricecooker and tilted forward. “You see Mr. Rice, this is what’s going to happen. A prancy little freshman is going to come through that there door. He or she is going to say goodbye to their parents, who are living in a fantasy world were they see their child succeeding in college and getting a well paying job. Yes, one minute they’re bookworms reading up on biochemistry and astronomy and the next thing you know they’re passed the fuck out and puking all over Mr. Couch over there.” At that moment Mr. Freezer looked up towards Mr. Couch in the living room.

“Konichiwa Mr. Couch!” He yelled. “You ready for another school year?”
Mr. Couch, who was really old and had accumulated bags under his blood shot eyes, glanced up at Mr. Freezer. “Fuck Kids,” he murmured under his breath as he closed his eyes.

Mr. Freezer then focused his attention back on Mr. Ricecooker. “You see, Mr. Couch is excited so why can’t you be?” Mr. Freezer was trying to maintain his composure since he could still see Mr. Couch in his peripheral vision.

Mr. Ricecooker sighed. “Man, I wish I was as popular as you Mr. Freezer. Look at me, all I do is cook rice. You, your something else though. Meeting new people everyday maybe even picking up numbers.”

“Numbers? What the hell you talking about boy?”
“It was a joke”
“Umm… well learn to tell better ones.”

That week the freshmen moved into the crowded dorm room. There were three of them and they were all alcoholics. Their Mom and Dad gave them all money for the necessities to fill Mr. Freezer up with. Of course the necessities; milk, eggs, Captain Morgan Rum, Tequila, Heineken, Bud Light, Bud Weiser, Bud Lime and of course a handle of Jack Daniels.

“Dude it’s not even the first week of school and your already loaded to the freezer” Mr. Ricecooker said as he stared at the colorful arrangement of beer and hard liquor inside Mr. Freezer. “I mean even your vegetal bins are filled to the brim with cheap beer.”

“Yea,” sighed Mr. Freezer “This happens at the beginning of every school year. The kids decide to bless their rooms with a good dorm warming ceremony. Puke goes everywhere and the place just smells like beer and piss for the rest of the week. You don’t even want to know what Mr. Otearai has to deal with in the bathroom.”

“Too bad we can’t really do anything to stop it.” said Mr. Ricecooker “It seems as though it is inevitable.”

Mr. Freezer’s eyes widened. “You know what?” he said. “I think we should do something about it this time. Yea, yea that’s it, let’s do something about it.” He sat there pondering to himself in his own cold world.

Mr. Ricecooker’s lid flew open. “What the hell are you talking about dude?” “You do know that we are appliances right? What can we possibly do besides flip switches on and off?”

“Yea that’s it! That’s it!”
“That’s what? What the hell?”

“Mr. Rice can’t you see. It’s simple. Practically basically, we’ll just drink it all!” Mr. Freezer scooted himself flush back into the wall which he was placed near.

Mr. Ricecooker jumped up in the air almost pulling out the chord he was tied to. “Oh my god that’s a perfect plan man! It’s genius pure genius. When should we start?”

“Right now! Here take this ice cold Budweiser.” Mr. Freezer’s door swung open and a beer was thrown as a shuffle pass to Mr. Ricecooker. Mr. Ricecooker opened his lid and caught the beer which was starting to immediately foam upon impact.

“No the bubbles!” shouted Mr. Freezer. “Drink it before it overflows onto the counter!” Mr. Ricecooker drank the bottle until it was completely empty. The beer was cold and refreshing to the bite. The empty can made a loud clanking sound as it fell to the ground. “Shhhh” whispered Mr. Freezer. “We have to be quite if were going to do this.”

One by one each bottle, each can was devoured by the kitchen appliances. Alcohol poured through their circuits and saturated every nut and bolt inside the machines. “Can appliances even get drunk?” asked Mr. Ricecooker. Mr. Freezer turned to Mr. Ricecooker. “Well,” he said “There’s only one way to find out now isn’t there?” They both laughed and took another gulp. The leftover bottles and cans were thrown against the front door and left in the living room.

“How bout throwing some of that my way!” Mr. Couch said as he tried to open his heavily crusted eyes.

Mr. Freezer was at his 78th beer in. “What kine you like?” Mr. Freezer did not give Mr. Couch time to respond. “Fuck, here, take this one.” A Jack Daniels was chucked across the room. It hit the wooden front door and shattered all over Mr. Couch. Mr. Couch was drenched in alchohol. He smelt even more like piss now.

“What the hell?”
“My bad man my bad.” Mr. Freezer opened his door and sent another bottle hurling towards Mr. Couch. Mr. Couch caught it in his cushions and immediately drank it down.

“You happy now you son of a bitch? God you’re an ugly couch. Such an ugly couch. Am I not right Rice?” Mr. Freezer increased the volume of his voice. “Rice?”

Mr. Ricecooker had passed out on the kitchen counter. Rice puke had covered the entire counter top and now, Mr. Ricecooker was sleeping in his own rice puke. Mr. Freezer and Mr. Couch laughed and continued to finish off the rest of the beers.

“We’re all out.” Mr. Freezer said as he opened himself up to look for more beer. There was now a mountain of bottles blocking the entrance to the front door. Mr. Freezer looked up towards Mr. Couch. His vision was getting fuzzy and suddenly there was no light to guide his vision.

That evening the roommates came back to the room to get ready for the big dorm party. The opening of the front door was accompanied by an orchestra of bottles and cans. The mountain of bottles crashed to the floor and rolled out the front door and onto the side walk. $1200 worth of empty beer poured out onto the streets.

“Jesus Christ!” One of the roommates yelled. Just then a security officer came rolling up to the roommates’ room with his brand new $1600 segway.

The officer started to slow down. “Gentlemen, what seems to be the… OH MY GOD!” The security officer saw the ocean of cans and bottles and parked his segway.
The 3 roommates looked up at the officer without saying a word. The officer slowly stepped off the segway and took off his black aviators.

“Do not resist!” The security officer said with his mustache blowing in the wind. Jesse the oldest roommate started to speak. “We were just…”
“Do not resist!” The security officer took out his stun gun which was loosely hanging from his holster and started to electrocute the three dorm mates. The three of them fell to the ground and onto the bottles. Their bodies started to turn white and foam started to foam at their mouths. The security officer took out his radio and dialed 911 emergency. “911! 911!” he shouted, “I need the police!” The police arrived 10 minutes later and shot the three students in the head on site. The police and security guard looked at the roommates. “Damn kids.” The End.