The Ocean and the Horndog

"My cousin did this personality quiz thing on me. Wanna try it?," Mel asked.
"Do I have to?," moaned John.
"No, I just--"
"I'm just joking. Yeah, go for it."
"Okay, so you're walking through the woods. Who're you walking with?"
"Isn't that kind of dangerous?"
"I guess? I don't know! Just answer the question."
"Fine. You. But I'd bring a shank or something because if some guys came to kill us, you'd be abducted and raped and you wouldn't be able to do jack squat about it."
"Wow. You're my hero," and with a quick roll over eyes added, "Okay, so in the woods you see an animal. What animal is it?"
"A wolf. A huge, hairy one."
"What interaction takes place between the two of you."
"He licks my balls."
"What?" she yelped squeezing the already short word into a millisecond.
"No. Joking again! I pet him and he licks my hand," John slightly chuckled.
Mel rolled her eyes for the second time and asked, "You walk deeper and see your dream house awaiting you. What's the size of the house?"
"Medium I guess."
"Is there a fence?"
"Aren't we in the forest, what if a huge bear comes?"
"Man, I don't know--" Mel was beginning to wish she had not begun the stupid quiz with John. She flicked the tip of her thumb to the side of her pointer finger a few times making a high pitched wispy sound loud enough so John could hear it.
"Seems dangerous," John said with a long extension on the A-sound in danger. He did not notice her fingers.
"So does that mean there's a fence?"
"I guess. A small little white one. I mean, if it were here or something there wouldn't be a fence, but since it's a forest then yeah."
"Alright, so walk through the gate and into the house. You see a table. What's on and around the table?"
"A flower in a vase, a few glass cups, plates. Oh, and five chairs surrounding the table--"
"Okay."
"And banana pancakes!"
"Okay.
"And a naked hot chick!" John yelled a little too loud for comfort.
"You done now?"
"Big tits!" John exclaimed even louder.
"God." Mel considered walking away.
"Okay, I'm done."
"So you walk outside and see a cup. What's it made of?"
"I already said glass cups, right?"
"Right, so, what do you do with the cup?"
"What do you mean?" John asked as the first somewhat serious question of the day.
"I don't know. Do you break it, kick it, drink from it, what?"
John squinted his eyes a little and replied, "Pick it up?"
"Okay, so you walk to the edge of your property and see a body of water. What kind of water is it?"
"An ocean."
"How will you cross it?"
"Oh shit, I have to cross it? Okay, okay. Um. A boat, I guess."
"Alright, so your results are in. The person you're walking with is the most important person in your life. Aww--," Mel said as if she were looking at a puppy stumbling over itself in its attempt to run.
"Pshh."
"The animal you saw when walking represents the size of your problems."
"Ha! I should have said a whale. A whale in the forest."
"The severity of the interaction is how you deal with everything. And yeah, I'd agree that you're pretty passive."
"I disagree. I'm a beast!"
Mel looked at him and then looked back down. She readjusted herself in her chair, coughed, and placed her right leg over her left. Then ignoring his comment replied, "The size of your home shows your ambition to resolving things."
"Okay."
"A fence shows a disclosed personality where you wouldn't want people dropping by all the time."
"Not true. I put up a fence for bears, remember?" John exclaimed while lifting his bottom a good four inches above his chair.
“Maybe the bear represents people.”
“No. I put it up because bears could rip me to fucking shreds. I could take down a person for sure. A bear is massive and shit. And you, you'd totally die," John laughed while sitting back down.
"Yeah. Okay, anyway, for the table, if you didn't include food, people or flowers you're unhappy. You must be having the time of your life because you had all three."
"Banana pancakes and naked chicks," John whispered slowly but indulgently while closing both his eyes and giving a wide-lipped smile.
"Okay, and the durability of the cup is the durability of our relationship. Glass is not durable and easily breakable. Metal and plastic are durable."
"That's dumb. I'm in my dream house, why would I want plastic cups? And who the hell drinks out of metal cups?" That's stupid," then a second later added, "But it's kinda true."
"What do you mean it's kinda true?" Mel looked at him suspiciously.
"You make it not durable."
"You've stumped me. I don't even know how to respond to that," Mel replied with the glare of doom.
"Heh-- Just joking!" John smiled again.
"Whatever. The size of water you chose shows your sexual desire."
"What'd I choose again?"
"Ocean."
"Oh shit. Does that make me a horny bastard?"
"A pretty big one."
"That sucks. What'd you say?"
"A pool."
"Really? Like an Olympic sized pool?"
"No. Like a pool you'd find at a house."
"What the hell, you're so lame. Do I not turn you on with my big massive, muscles?" John flexed.
“You have muscles?” Mel asked. This time she was the one with a grin.
“I hate you. Nevermind. Go on.”
"And finally, how wet you get in getting across shows the importance of your sex life."
"That's not fair. I can't swim! I would have swam, but I can't. Actually, even if I could swim, who the hell would swim across the ocean unless they were an overachiever suicide psycho? This quiz was dumb."
“I never said it was awesome, I just thought it was kind of interesting.”
“Oh and another thing! How can I be a horn-dog and constantly be fantasizing about getting my jollies off if sex wasn't that important?”
“You're reading way too into this. Chill.”
“This quiz was dumb.”
“I know, you've gone through that already.”
“God. I'm not horny.”
“Okay, I believe you.”
“And even if I was, is that such a crime?”
“I'm going to leave now while you over-analyze the last two questions.”
“I'm not horny!”
Mel then picked up her leather bag from the cafeteria floor and walked away. John did not follow but instead sat there looking out the window continuing to debate with himself.